This damn thing call “Depression,” it hits us when we’re up and kicks us when we’re down. There’s no way to control the effects of depression and I can account for that. Over the years we have found that when ever my son needs to leave he makes it a point to push (usually) everyone’s buttons so he leaves with all us upset at him and to him it’s how he deals with the separation. Well this time it was me that was the brunt of all the poking. Last night we had a family “Good Bye” dinner for Chris as one of his favorite restaurants, Spaghetti Factory.
Over the past few days it has been building up with him and his poke, push, poke, push and I should have known he would escalate. Well, I didn’t realize that last night would be the last time we would see him before he leaves on Sunday, his mom is taking him camping the last two nights he’s here and they are heading directly to the San Francisco Airport from there Sunday morning. At dinner I was in the middle of the table and the kids were to my left with Mom, Trish, Robert and Jim (brother) were on my right. Throughout the night several of the kids were making a point of poking, pushing and it was starting to weigh on my nerves, then Chris really started in with whispers about the shirt I was wearing, a mark on my face which I’ve had for 7-8 years and he just noticed (figures) and then the final straw he starts commenting about and whispering about my stretching of my back when sitting down looking like a rocking motion. He was making comments to the girls about when we (me, him and his friend) were at the movies earlier and I kept having to get up and stretch and how it looked and then while sitting at the table. So I asked him what was said and of course, nothing was said and they both get their laugh. Now if you have not guessed this is something that is very important to me, that I don’t draw attention to my family or me when I need to stretch and I will usually leave the table and go outside it so happens where I was sitting it was not that easy to get out and leave, so I stayed, my mistake.
I would think that if anyone would understand it would be the people who have lived with it and me for their entire lives and they know how it affects me. I know that if it were not for the depression I would more than likely not have a problem with it and would feed off of it, but having the depression (even though mild) it is enough to really hurt and to them its just a joke or I’m the adult and should be able to just take it. Well I can’t and it does hurt for the main reason that I understand that the years dealing with this have not all been great, but over all they have not been extremely terrible and for the way the kids were raised I would expect more from them. My pain is up which makes my depression go down and then every negative things is 10x’s worse then it was meant to be. Still 10x’s worse or not they know when and where. I fell last night was not the when or where. I love my kids very much and yes I do know where they get it from, Grandma. I think last night being the last dinner with Christopher, my pain and depression in conflict among other issues just really pushed it over the edge for me. I will get over this I know I will, depression will not get the better of me all the time, maybe a little here and there but my life is mine and I will decide when it has control. / : ^{ ) >
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